Let it Go: A movie song begins to heal my broken heart

Over three years ago I sat with my family, my husband and 5 daughters, in the theater and wept through this song as we watched the movie Frozen. The song so perfectly expressed what my heart longed for. My soul had been bound up for so long. I had forgotten who I was. I hadn't expressed myself in art or song for years. I had allowed someone else to define and devalue me, and I didn't know I should do something about it. I had allowed a constant, subtle atmosphere of hostility from the partner (who should have been my best friend) to eat away at my soul for so long that it had become normal. The song, Let it Go, broke the ice in my heart and showed me that I had been trapped and longed for freedom. I began to do what I was meant to do again. And I realized I was valuable, and shouldn't accept bad treatment. I fought against it. I wasn't perfect in how I responded, but that's okay. Life is messy. I insisted that we get help, but it's impossible to make another person see what they don't want to see. Like Elsa, I ran. Then, my 'prince' showed his true colors and immediately discarded me, instead of pursuing me. Pretty much like little sister Anna's prince in the movie. Well, time will tell how the story goes on. For the first time in a long time, I have hope of a good life and a happy ending. Because another thing I'm learning is that I don't have to be perfect to be loved ("that perfect girl is gone!"). There will be someone that will love me for who I am, whether or not I do everything right or agree with everything he says. A person that is capable of loving a real person. I already have many friends that love me in spite of my imperfections, for which I am so grateful.

"And one thought crystalizes like an icy blast: I'm never going back! The past is in the past!"

Re-blog: A Holy Experience: Why Wait Till Marriage: What I Wish Someone Had Told Me

"When someone isn’t willing or ready for spiritual oneness, emotional oneness, legal oneness, financial oneness — why let them steal physical and soul oneness from you?"

In my case: what happens when your partner isn't ready for those deeper kinds of oneness, even after years of marriage? When you realize that and ask to get help, and then he throws you away rather than work to repair the damage? Maybe it turns out to be a blessing, because you are finally free. 

This blog post by A Holy Experience, Why Wait Till Marriage: What I Wish Someone Had Told Me, is meant to make people think about the holiness of our entire being, body, soul, and spirit, so they can make wise decisions in their relationships. I pray that each young person will realize that they, and all others, are precious and sacred and that all kinds of oneness are to be prepared for carefully and thoughtfully in the context of marriage between one man and one woman, as God ordained at the beginning. 

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2016/07/why-wait-till-marriage-what-i-wish-someone-had-told-me/

"Have You No Consideration for My Poor Nerves?!"

I love having 5 daughters. However, there can be quite a bit of drama with so much estrogen in close quarters. Several of my long-time favorite books, by coincidence, have families with 4 or 5 daughters. I can relate to many of the characters in the books, including mothers, sisters, and daughters, since I am all those things. Before becoming a wife and mother, I could relate mainly to the young, single characters. I looked at the moms with amusement or admiration, whichever their character seemed to merit. My practice in reading is always to find something in all characters to relate to and to learn from, whether by negative or positive example: what to do and what to avoid. 
Caroline Ingalls of the 'Little House' books is patient, firm, ladylike, gentle, and industrious. Marmie of 'Little Women' is wise, loving, generous, and kind. Mrs. Bennett, the mother of 5 girls in 'Pride and Prejudice', is a comic-tragic figure, painted to be a negative example and usually a trial and an obstacle rather than a help to her daughters. 
Since becoming a mother myself, to my dismay I have not automatically transformed into Caroline or Marmie, but have struggled daily and often disappointed myself and others. I have quite often been the opposite of amused to see in myself reflections of Mrs. Bennett, or even worse, the wicked stepmother from Cinderella. I have had to realize that in real life, we are all a mixture of admirable, laughable, and just plain awful. I'm also still learning that it is only with God's constant help and grace that I can be and become what I want to be and what I am meant to be. 
So, Mrs. Bennett has now become not only more amusing, but more deeply human to me, and a reminder of my minute-by-minute need for my Father's love and help.

Just a funny story: The Joke, Or the Spray, is on Me.

Don’t judge, but at one point I was having trouble getting several of my daughters to get out of bed in the mornings (really I’m still having trouble, but that’s not important), so my husband conveniently remembered that his dad once dumped a cup of cold water on him to get him out of bed. So, I thought that sounded like torture, but thought of my bottle of vinegar/water that I use for cleaning windows, mirrors and floors. That wouldn’t hurt them, but would give them just a little incentive to get moving, I reasoned. I need to make a long story short, here, so let’s just say that it worked pretty well with the 2 youngest ones, because I didn’t actually have to squeeze the trigger. They jumped up as soon as the words “If you don’t get up, I’m going to squirt you with this spray bottle!” registered in their sleepy brains. However, my 12 year old apparently was a glutton for punishment, or just hoped I’d eventually give up and go away. Oops…I forgot to make it short…. Well, she didn’t get up, so I squirted the back of her head. You guessed it, she popped up like a cork, and was so mad that she couldn’t go back to sleep (or maybe the smirk on my face gave her a clue that if she started to lie down I wouldn’t hesitate to use my new-found mommy weapon). Don’t judge. 
Anyway, about a week later, I was bent over with my head in the fridge getting something out of the crisper drawer, when I felt a cold spray hit my rear. I popped up like cork, and turned around to see my 12 year old standing there with the spray bottle in hand and a smirk on her face. Moral of the story is, never take parenting advice from your husband–er, I mean, whatever you sow, that you shall reap. Or, maybe, don’t leave the spray bottle where your daughter can find it? Whichever one works. 

Fly! Be Free!

It's been a long time since I posted anything, and even longer since I've been motivated to really write anything. This has been an eventful spring and summer; with the biggest event being my sweet daughter Emily's graduation from high school. Emily is our oldest child, so this was our first experience with a real graduation. We are home-schoolers, and belong to a home-school co-op, in which classes are taught two days a week by parents or others. They do an amazing graduation ceremony every year. Emily's class was very small, with only 23, but the ceremony took 3 hours, because the parents personally presented their child's diploma along with a short speech, and the students performed music and dance. There was quite a bit of preparation involved for parents, students, teachers, and administrators. It is a very emotional and stressful time, as well as joyful, because parents have to get used to the idea of their child getting ready for a more independent life, college, career, etc.. The ceremony was wonderful, and it really got my emotions on a roller coaster when right at the beginning they played a clip from 'The Andy Griffith Show' in which Andy talks to Opie about setting free some little birds he has been taking care of, keeping them safe in a cage. Of course Andy is talking about baby birds needing to fly and be free, but all our minds were on our own 'baby birds' and we knew exactly what Andy was really thinking about: his own little bird, Opie, needed to learn to fly and to make good decisions on his own. I was almost sobbing, and trying not to show it. There were many people also using kleenex, however. Once I get the 'waterworks' started, it's hard for me to stop; so this did not bode well, as I had uncharacteristically decided to go ahead and give a short speech when my husband and I presented Emily's diploma. This was a brave turn-around for me, as I had originally planned to indulge my shyness and leave the speaking to Eddie alone. But this year has been one of taking new steps for me anyway, or rather of spreading my wings. Earlier this year I sang my first solo in front of an audience, and next week I'm going to a master portrait painting workshop in Raleigh, NC to try and develop the gifts God has given me. The funny thing is, I wasn't really afraid any more. Having the courage to sing earlier this year had knocked my habitual paralyzing fear for a loop. It was gone. I was nervous, but actually looking forward to sharing what I had to say to and about Emily. We got in line by the stage to prepare to give diplomas, and our youngest daughter Abigail, who was sitting with my parents, started crying for me; I motioned for Mom to let her come to us. When it was our turn, I got up there with Eddie and Emily and Abigail, and Eddie spoke first. He did beautifully, but lo and behold, right at the end, he choked up, and then joked his way through the tears. It was my turn, and I grabbed the mike and started talking. I had a bit of trouble remembering to speak into the mike, but I got through my speech with a few tears; and was able to talk through them, instead of letting the tears silence me as I used to do. Here is the text of my speech to Emily.

Emily is our firstborn. And Abigail is our youngest. Emily was present when Abigail was born; and witnessed her birth. The umbilical cord was wrapped around Abigail's neck as she was coming out, and there was a crisis for a minute or two, but everything was alright. It's amazing, then, that after witnessing all that, Emily has decided to pursue an apprenticeship or program to learn midwifery. I'm very proud that she will be helping women and families to have a safe, dignified, and natural a birth process as possible. That is very important. Like the Israelite midwives in Egypt who were obedient to God, and so saved the children of Israel. I'm very happy for her; though it's very bittersweet seeing her grow up. She's a dear, sweet, gentle girl, who loves God, babies, praise dance, history, Snoopy, and of course... chocolate. Emily, as a child, you used to carry around a Tweety Bird toy. Then, you saw your baby sister Abigail be born, and you loved to carry her and take care of her, like a second mommy. Emily I'm proud of your conscientious heart, your responsibility, and maturity. You teach me so much without a word by your gentleness and patience. I love you dearly.God bless you in all your endeavors. As you seek Him, He will continue to reveal His will to you, step by step. This is one of the first memory verses you learned as a child. "His word will be a lamp unto your feet, and a light unto your path." I love you, Emily :)