Overcome

 Do not let evil have its way

Be good and overcome

In haste rouse not leviathan 

Take rest along the Way 

Hedged in and harried

Turn within

Hide beneath the Wings

Look out and see 

no enemy 

Rise up, my child, and sing

Poem: Drowning is Silent

 I'm going under again 

And no one notices

Because my lungs are filled with water 

And I can't get air in them anymore 

Much less cry or yell 

I can't even gasp or whisper

I disappear again 

beneath the surface 

Out of sight out of mind

Or maybe not

maybe they think 

my appearing and disappearing 

is because

I'm damaged and strange

I see people talking 

What is she doing 

Why does she not come around 

anymore

She told her woeful story 

Over and over and cried

And we cried 

And told her she was strong

But I'm not

Poem: I thought it was your hand that held me down

Poem: written March 15, 2018

I thought it was your hand that held me down

When I finally felt the cage

That held me bound

I looked to where I felt the bond

It was my own hand 

Gripping tight in fear

All I had to do was speak a word 

The truth then set me free 

~JAS

Book on Kindle: ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men’

Lundy Bancroft’s groundbreaking book is now on Kindle for only $1.99. I’ve been wanting to read it and now’s my chance. If you or someone you know is (or may be) suffering in an abusive relationship, this book may help you to understand what is happening to you, that it’s not normal, that it’s not your fault, that you don’t deserve to be abused.

Poem

Dark velvet cool air whispers my skin
Cricket chirp and katydid, ebb and flow in counterpoint, gently vibrating my eardrums
Supine, I view moving billows lit by climbing hidden moon
Black lace tracery, flung from lithe swaying columns, frames my circle world
Scattered pinpricks tangle and wink in the blue between
Fireflies blink slow in the periphery and are gone, as my eye turns
Sudden, I am sailing with the trees, passing beneath a fixed roof of cloud
Tree-lace and lawn-boat tilt and we're tipping, sliding off the world
Into stars
I close my eyes, hold on, then know: nothing saves me but letting go
Up to the dark that frames the light, down to the earth that hurts, but stops my fall
I'm alive and not afraid, there's joy instead!

~~JAS

Painting: Georgia O'Keeffe, The Lawrence Tree

Danny Gokey - RISE

I love the song already, but after seeing this music video, I claim Rise as my new theme song. I was stuck for so long in a destructive marriage in which my husband psychologically manipulated and devalued me in subtle ways. Psychological and emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, while being much harder to recognize and explain to others in order to get help. This video gives me hope, saying my Father wants to restore my glory and let me shine. I want to be a light of hope to others that may be in similar situations. And I hope to someday meet a godly man that understands how to value a woman and lift her up instead of putting her down and crushing her spirit.

Let it Go: A movie song begins to heal my broken heart

Over three years ago I sat with my family, my husband and 5 daughters, in the theater and wept through this song as we watched the movie Frozen. The song so perfectly expressed what my heart longed for. My soul had been bound up for so long. I had forgotten who I was. I hadn't expressed myself in art or song for years. I had allowed someone else to define and devalue me, and I didn't know I should do something about it. I had allowed a constant, subtle atmosphere of hostility from the partner (who should have been my best friend) to eat away at my soul for so long that it had become normal. The song, Let it Go, broke the ice in my heart and showed me that I had been trapped and longed for freedom. I began to do what I was meant to do again. And I realized I was valuable, and shouldn't accept bad treatment. I fought against it. I wasn't perfect in how I responded, but that's okay. Life is messy. I insisted that we get help, but it's impossible to make another person see what they don't want to see. Like Elsa, I ran. Then, my 'prince' showed his true colors and immediately discarded me, instead of pursuing me. Pretty much like little sister Anna's prince in the movie. Well, time will tell how the story goes on. For the first time in a long time, I have hope of a good life and a happy ending. Because another thing I'm learning is that I don't have to be perfect to be loved ("that perfect girl is gone!"). There will be someone that will love me for who I am, whether or not I do everything right or agree with everything he says. A person that is capable of loving a real person. I already have many friends that love me in spite of my imperfections, for which I am so grateful.

"And one thought crystalizes like an icy blast: I'm never going back! The past is in the past!"

Re-blog: A Holy Experience: Why Wait Till Marriage: What I Wish Someone Had Told Me

"When someone isn’t willing or ready for spiritual oneness, emotional oneness, legal oneness, financial oneness — why let them steal physical and soul oneness from you?"

In my case: what happens when your partner isn't ready for those deeper kinds of oneness, even after years of marriage? When you realize that and ask to get help, and then he throws you away rather than work to repair the damage? Maybe it turns out to be a blessing, because you are finally free. 

This blog post by A Holy Experience, Why Wait Till Marriage: What I Wish Someone Had Told Me, is meant to make people think about the holiness of our entire being, body, soul, and spirit, so they can make wise decisions in their relationships. I pray that each young person will realize that they, and all others, are precious and sacred and that all kinds of oneness are to be prepared for carefully and thoughtfully in the context of marriage between one man and one woman, as God ordained at the beginning. 

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2016/07/why-wait-till-marriage-what-i-wish-someone-had-told-me/

When the Son of Man comes

Luke 18:8b  "Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?" 

Does Jesus say this as a self-fulfilling prophecy, or as a challenge? Knowing Him, I know which one I'm aiming at. 

"Have You No Consideration for My Poor Nerves?!"

I love having 5 daughters. However, there can be quite a bit of drama with so much estrogen in close quarters. Several of my long-time favorite books, by coincidence, have families with 4 or 5 daughters. I can relate to many of the characters in the books, including mothers, sisters, and daughters, since I am all those things. Before becoming a wife and mother, I could relate mainly to the young, single characters. I looked at the moms with amusement or admiration, whichever their character seemed to merit. My practice in reading is always to find something in all characters to relate to and to learn from, whether by negative or positive example: what to do and what to avoid. 
Caroline Ingalls of the 'Little House' books is patient, firm, ladylike, gentle, and industrious. Marmie of 'Little Women' is wise, loving, generous, and kind. Mrs. Bennett, the mother of 5 girls in 'Pride and Prejudice', is a comic-tragic figure, painted to be a negative example and usually a trial and an obstacle rather than a help to her daughters. 
Since becoming a mother myself, to my dismay I have not automatically transformed into Caroline or Marmie, but have struggled daily and often disappointed myself and others. I have quite often been the opposite of amused to see in myself reflections of Mrs. Bennett, or even worse, the wicked stepmother from Cinderella. I have had to realize that in real life, we are all a mixture of admirable, laughable, and just plain awful. I'm also still learning that it is only with God's constant help and grace that I can be and become what I want to be and what I am meant to be. 
So, Mrs. Bennett has now become not only more amusing, but more deeply human to me, and a reminder of my minute-by-minute need for my Father's love and help.