Jennie, get a life

I'm sure ya'll have noticed I haven't been posting much lately. Here I explain one little part of why I've been absent. Don't know if I want to share this; it makes me feel vulnerable and ridiculous. I haven't shared it yet with the ladies' prayer group. Maybe I should, but I would feel like I needed a bag over my head; well, here goes. The Lord has been gently leading me, the timid and self-conscious one, toward being able to sing in our church services. He's been giving me the desire to show love to the body of Christ by singing. Singing brings healing, and praise brings the presence of God. I've always loved to sing, and I sang in youth chorus and in church choir when I was younger. I've always loved to listen to beautiful voices. When I was a child, I listened to Julie Andrews on my Mom's 'Sound of Music' soundtrack record, and as a young teen I listened to Luciano Pavaratti and Placido Domingo records. I love to listen to Andrea Bocelli, Josh Groban, Sarah Brightman, Celine Dion, and others, from time to time.

I don't have a voice like that, but I have a nice voice, and the Lord has been showing me that it is to be used for Him. Two things have kept me from it. One is fear, but love for Him and for his people was casting that out. The second thing is a danger for all artistic people. Sensuality. King David was an artist, who loved beauty and was sensitive to the beauty of God. He also got distracted by the beauty of a woman because he was not where he should have been.

Since I've gotten interested in music again after being busy with other things for a long time, I have been listening to music on youtube alot: Contemporary Christian, and some classical singing, and celtic singing, etc.. I can't remember how I started listening to (and watching, since youtube is visual) some of the music I used to like in my college days. The difference is, in college I didn't watch the music, I just listened. I never watched MTV or music videos when I was young. I have always liked a few of Journey's love songs, but never knew much about the group and never saw photos or videos of them.

Here's where the big distraction came in. Not sensing the danger at first, I kept watching Steve Perry sing on youtube. He has an absolutely beautiful voice, which snagged me from the first. So I listened to the big voice instead of the still, small one. Not good. The problem was that the man looks as good as he sounds, and being human, and loving beauty, I pretty much got bowled over (Take my word for it, and DON'T go check it out). Didn't think it was possible; and didn't listen to the Lord; and here I was, almost not caring about what is really important any more.

Spring fever plays a part in my mood. Every year when spring comes there's a few days where I feel like I'm going to fly in pieces; took me this long to realize it's hormones. It must have been spring when King David was walking on that roof when he should have been at war. I obviously forgot to 'put on the armor of God', and that Christ said to 'Abide in Me'. I said before that I almost didn't care what is really important, but I do care, by the Lord's grace and mercy, so these passages are my prayer, especially this: Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.

14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.

1 John 1:1 My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. 2 And He Himself is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the whole world.

3 Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. 4 He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. 5 But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. 6 He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked.

1 John 2:15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world. 17 And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
4 Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,
And blameless when You judge.

5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6 Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
9 Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.

14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
16 For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.

18 Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.

Lord, please lead me back in the way You want me to go, and help me to always care about what You care about (And You already know, I've deleted the Steve Perry videos from my favorites on youtube). BY THE TIME ANYONE READS THIS, I WILL HAVE SHARED THIS WITH MY HUSBAND, WHO, SINCE I WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH NEXT TO HIM MANY TIMES WHILE WATCHING YOUTUBE, PROBABLY WAS NOT UNSUSPECTING. (Yes, I am an idiot sometimes. Ya'll pray for me.) Also, Lord, please help me to be obedient by Your grace and do the things You have called me to do rather than shrinking back in fear or getting distracted by the idols of this world. Amen.
NOTE: You're probably thinking "Jennie, get a life!" Admit it, you are. Well, my husband took me on a 4 day cruise to the Bahamas last week, so I'm feeling a whole lot better now. :)
UPDATE: I received the courage to tell our worship leader that I've been praying about joining the worship team and/or singing solos, and he said I could join them for practice and that they'd be glad to have another female voice. I'm rather scared, but I feel better to have done what the Lord is directing. Maybe it will help keep me off of youtube ;)